


since it's you, it's okay

by wonkinator



Category: EXO (Band), Pentagon (Korea Band), SM the Ballad
Genre: 2010 SM the Ballad, 5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentioned Kim Jonghyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28676301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonkinator/pseuds/wonkinator
Summary: Moments with Chanyeol were as fleeting as they were sweet, candle flames ready to be blown out with the lightest breath. But Jinho was used to them now.Five times Chanyeol asked Jinho out and a time Jinho asked him out, over twelve years.
Relationships: Jo Jinho | Jino/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	since it's you, it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> title from [hot times](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBfcWmt9JHM&ab_channel=SMTOWN) by SM the Ballad. of course.

2008

That guy, the tall one with the big eyes. He kept looking. Jinho always felt that guy’s stare on him whenever they passed each other in the hallways or in the cafeteria. Strangely, Jinho didn’t mind that much, because his stare wasn’t creepy. The guy didn’t look like he would harm a fly at all. It looked more like curiosity, really. 

Jinho wondered what the guy thought when he saw Jinho.

They were both new, as were a whole batch of other trainees, but there weren’t that many of them to begin with. He looked like he had something to say, though Jinho couldn’t tell what it was because he never did. Maybe when the hallways started to look more familiar and when Jinho stopped getting lost, he’d gather the courage to talk to him.

Time passed as Jinho settled in, eventually managing to find his way around the building with ease. He made some friends too, despite the fact that he wasn’t as outgoing as some of the others. Jinho sat with Minseok at lunch, someone who was almost as reserved as he was. Maybe that was why they got along. He told Jinho that the trainee who kept looking at them over his shoulder was called Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol. Jinho half hoped Minseok would go on, but Minseok merely said he was in his dance classes, then switched the topic to a Chinese trainee he saw around.

Jinho was always going to be a singer. But being an idol wasn’t just singing. It’s also dancing, acting, modeling, smiling for the cameras. The only problem was that Jinho sucked at dancing, so he stayed late after classes to practice. Staying late was the norm.

One night, he was lying in the dance practice room with the lights half off, once everyone had left. Just a moment of lying flat on the ground, unmoving, before peeling himself off and dragging himself home. Work hard, party hard—but the party didn’t come until much later.

To his horror, the dance practice room door swung open. Jinho scrambled to his feet in case it was a staff member, but he looked up to see none other than Park Chanyeol himself, staring back at him with deer-like eyes. From the looks of it, he was on his way home, in his casual clothes. Silence hung between them and neither was eager to break it. 

“Sorry, I didn’t think anyone was in here,” Chanyeol said hurriedly, words tumbling over each other. His voice was deep but he spoke softly. “I was just going to get, uh, my water bottle.” He pointed at a bottle in the corner of the room that Jinho didn’t even see when he was practicing. 

“Oh,” Jinho replied simply. Should he introduce himself? Chanyeol squeezed into the room, grabbed the bottle, and started walking back out. Jinho wanted to stop him, but Chanyeol stopped on his own, right at the door. He turned around.

“I’m Chanyeol, by the way,” Chanyeol said, long hair falling into his eyes a little. Jinho couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face. Jinho already knew his name, but Chanyeol didn’t need to know that.

“Jinho,” Jinho introduced himself, reaching out a hand. Chanyeol shifted closer to shake it. His hand was warm. There’s something cute and boyish about Chanyeol that became more evident up close, as well as the height difference between them. A flash of hesitation crossed Chanyeol’s expression before he opened his mouth.

“Do you have any plans after this?” He asked, close to mumbling. Jinho shook his head, eyes wide. He was never the best at making friends, but he liked that Chanyeol was trying. “Do you want to get something to eat?”

Jinho felt something flutter in his chest. He didn’t expect Chanyeol, someone who had communicated only through short glances in the hallways, to be so forward all of a sudden. But Jinho didn’t have any plans after dance practice and Chanyeol was looking at him expectantly.

Jinho’s eyes darted towards the clock of the practice room, half-hidden away in the shadows. 

“It’s 10 pm, but--” Jinho’s eyes glanced back at Chanyeol. “Okay.” Chanyeol beamed at his response and Jinho wondered how someone could look so bright. As Chanyeol held the door open, Jinho slung his bag over his shoulder, turned the lights off, and followed Chanyeol out of the practice room.

* * *

2010

It was happening. It was all Jinho could think about. His grand debut, with Jonghyun, Kyuhyun, and Jay, the accumulation of all the vocal training he’d done. Even though Jinho knew he was kind of a substitute for Junsu, he couldn’t be happier he made it into the final lineup. The other three certainly made him feel welcome. The day they released Miss You was in Jinho’s top 5 best days of his life, if not the best. 

When they finished their performance on Inkigayo, Jinho could still feel himself shaking as he walked off the stage, the sound of the live audience ringing in his ears. Even though he had just poured all his emotions out into a ballad performance, Jinho was smiling.

Jonghyun scooped him up into a hug, jittery with the post-performance adrenaline. “Our Jinho finally debuted!” Jinho wasn’t usually a touchy person, but he returned the hug. Once Jonghyun set Jinho down, Kyuhyun ruffled his hair. Jinho couldn’t stop smiling even if he wanted to. His bandmates’ affection was just the cherry on top.

They had a magazine shoot in the afternoon that Jay couldn’t join them for, but Jinho was on a high the whole time. The makeup ladies all commented on how cute and smiley he was. Kyuhyun gave him a knowing smile. The cheers of the crowd during his parts made blood rush through Jinho’s head and finally being able to introduce himself as Jinho from SM the Ballad felt so right.

That night, they dropped everyone off at the company to put all their bags down. Jinho was at his locker, about to leave, when he got a text from Kyungsoo. Somehow, he had grown close to one of the newer trainees, Kyungsoo, after they were put in the same vocal classes. His text just said, ‘come to the usual practice room.’ Simple, straight to the point like Kyungsoo was.

Jinho made his way cautiously to the practice room that they both liked going to. It wasn’t the one with the sky wallpaper that only artists used, but a smaller one for trainees. Jinho paused at the door, remembering the time a certain dorky trainee stumbled on him in the dark after practice. 

“Shut up,” a muffled voice said from inside, something Jinho identified as Kyungsoo’s annoyed tone. “He’s coming.” It clearly wasn’t directed at Jinho, but now he was curious, so Jinho pushed the door open and turned on the lights.

“Surprise,” Kyungsoo and Minseok chorused, Kyungsoo mustering a smile. Oh, a surprise from his three closest trainee friends. 

“Surprise!” Chanyeol exclaimed, a second too late but much more visibly excited. Kyungsoo was holding a small cake with a lit candle on top. Chanyeol wasn’t holding anything, so he barreled into Jinho’s side, grabbing him up in a massive hug. His heart thumped at the familiar smell of Chanyeol’s deodorant. 

“It’s not my birthday, guys,” Jinho laughed at the candle, patting Chanyeol to let him know to let go. Kyungsoo sighed, the flame wavering a little. Minseok shot Jinho an apologetic look.

“That’s what I said. But Chanyeol here wanted to put a candle because it was cute or something.” Kyungsoo moved closer to Jinho, arms wobbling slightly as he held the cake. “Now blow it out before my arms drop dead.”

“I can hold it if your arms are gonna give out,” Minseok suggested, but Kyungsoo shook his head. All of them crowded around the cake, the candle wax starting to drip a little with impatience.

“Should I make a wish too?” Jinho joked. Kyungsoo groaned, so Jinho just closed his eyes and blew out the candle. What would he wish for? Chanyeol clapped as the candle went out with a little puff of smoke, looking at Jinho with those big puppy eyes, so full of pride. His dimple showed when he grinned. That’s what he would wish for, Jinho thought. For Chanyeol to keep smiling.

“I hope you like black forest cake,” Kyungsoo muttered, finally setting the cake down on the ground, a safe distance away from Chanyeol. Minseok rushed to help, fanning away the smoke. “It was the last one they had.”

“That sounds perfect.” Jinho smiled to himself, watching Minseok fiddle with the cake knife. The fact that these three got him a cake and stayed late to surprise him only made him happier. Kyungsoo announced that he was going to get them some plates from the kitchen and Minseok followed him to make himself useful, leaving the two of them in the room.

Suddenly, Jinho felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders. His heart fluttered. So maybe he had a small, tiny crush on his friend Chanyeol. Tall, handsome, dorky Chanyeol, with big eyes that seemed to sparkle and a laugh that tugged at Jinho’s heart. But Jinho was okay with it being just a crush. Chanyeol was his friend, nothing more, even if he liked to back hug him and get a little too close. 

“Congratulations,” Chanyeol whispered, low and sincere. He spoke like everything he told Jinho was a secret. “I know you worked so hard for this. I’m really happy for you.” The shower of praise made Jinho want to bury his face in his hands. Coming from Chanyeol, it meant a lot. Someone who was with him through all the dance practice injuries, vocal training into late hours of the night, and more. Someone who saw all his hard work and was proud of him for it.

Jinho felt tears dribble down his face, even though he was smiling. He felt himself shaking a little from the crying. It was silly, really, that just a simple congratulations from Chanyeol could turn him into a blubbering mess. Chanyeol let go of him and turned Jinho around to face him. Jinho sniffled.

Chanyeol’s eyes were wide with concern. He brushed his thumbs against Jinho’s cheeks to wipe away the tears. Everything was hot, especially Chanyeol’s fingers on the side of his face. “Are you okay?” Jinho made a sound between a laugh and a sob. It was just like Chanyeol to ask if a crying person was okay, with that worried expression.

Chanyeol leaned in and without hesitation, kissed him. Just a soft peck and he pulled back, eyes shining and a light blush on his cheeks. 

“Please don’t cry,” Chanyeol said, worry seeping into his voice. His kiss felt like a security blanket, soft and reassuring. It was just like Chanyeol, always trying to cheer Jinho up and look after him. Now he was more confused than happy or sad. Jinho swallowed.

“Why did you do that?” Jinho wiped at his face with his sleeves. He couldn’t stop the hiccuping and ugly sniffling but he did stop the tears. The pounding in his chest made him feel more than warm. 

“Because I like you?” Chanyeol said, in a matter-of-fact way as if it was the simplest thing in the world. So Jinho let himself believe that it was. Liking Chanyeol came so easily when Chanyeol was the one who would wait for Jinho no matter how late to walk him home, the one who would buy him his favourite candies, the one who would wipe his tears away. 

Tiptoeing still wasn’t quite enough to reach his face, so Chanyeol bent down to meet him halfway. Chanyeol held the sides of Jinho’s jaw, sliding his fingers into Jinho’s hair. Kissing Chanyeol was effortless too, as if Jinho was always supposed to. Falling in love with Chanyeol seemed even easier.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and the two broke apart in an instant. 

“Uh, we got the plates and stuff,” Minseok mumbled, face red. Kyungsoo’s face was blank. Kyungsoo dragged Minseok over to the cake and they started slicing it up. Jinho shot Chanyeol a worried look.

A million worries sprung up in Jinho’s head once more. What if Kyungsoo hated them for it? What if Kyungsoo and Minseok stopped being friends with them? Maybe it was a mistake. It wasn’t too late to turn back. Dating as a trainee was bad enough, but—

“You two better not turn into those annoying couples that ditch their friends for each other,” Kyungsoo said finally, bringing the two of them each a plate of cake. Minseok still looked embarrassed, not quite looking at either of them in the eye, but he nodded in agreement with Kyungsoo. “And stop crying.”

“Thank you,” Jinho smiled, tears glittering in his eyes once more. Chanyeol nodded, but he was already stuffing his face with the cake, chewing with his mouth entirely full. Jinho rolled his eyes but smiled all the same. They all took a seat on the ground, in a little circle.

Kyungsoo huffed. “What are you thanking me for? I should be congratulating you, you made it.” He smiled, a genuine smile reserved only for special occasions like these. This day had definitely cemented itself as Jinho’s best day ever. 

“Yeah,” Minseok chimed in, a catlike grin on his face. “Congratulations, Jinho!” Jinho grinned. Even though Minseok hung out more with the Chinese trainees these days, the fact that he still made time for Jinho made Jinho feel warm. He was lucky to have these friends. 

“Soon we’ll be celebrating you guys’ debut too.” Jinho grinned at the thought. There had been talks about a new boy group debuting soon, and Minseok, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol were on the top of the list. None of them dared to say it out loud, in fear of jinxing it, but Jinho was confident they'd get to debut. Minseok smiled softly. Chanyeol set his plate down and grasped Jinho’s hand, his skin warm against Jinho’s. Jinho felt his face flush. 

“We should go out tomorrow if you’re free,” Chanyeol said, looking right at Jinho. There was a smidge of cream on the side of his mouth that Jinho wanted to wipe off. “You only debut once, you know?” Jinho nodded. Tomorrow was another music show performance so he wasn’t free, but they’d find the time. 

Of course, Jinho was worried about the future, whether this happiness would last, whether they’d find success. Nothing in this world was certain, after all. But when Chanyeol looked at him, eyes full of admiration, and squeezed his hand, Jinho felt hope. They’d make it work.

* * *

2012

Jinho kind of liked being part of the crowd. Here, he could see his friends on stage, the way fans did. It was different from watching from the side of the stage or waiting backstage. It’s EXO’s debut showcase and naturally, Jinho was invited. He wouldn’t have missed seeing Chanyeol’s debut for the world either way, but he got a nice seat thanks to his SM pass.

Jinho missed the stage, just a little. That euphoric feeling of being on top of the world, looking down at the crowd and seeing faces captured by your singing. Not anyone else’s singing, but the sound coming out from your own mouth and the emotion that you put into it. It was a beautiful feeling. Jinho missed it but he was glad that at least Chanyeol could experience it.

Seeing Chanyeol on stage, as well as Kyungsoo and Minseok, made him proud. They’d been so busy practicing that they barely had time to hang out with Jinho anymore. That cursed song, Mama, had made itself stuck in Jinho’s head for weeks because Chanyeol wouldn’t stop humming it whenever they hung out. Not that the two of them had a lot of time to hang out in between comeback preparations.

Jinho was okay with that. Sure, it was a little annoying that Chanyeol was only able to sneak a kiss or squeeze his hand in between his schedules. But one dimpled smile from Chanyeol made Jinho’s annoyance melt away. He didn’t have much to do anyway, seeing as SM the Ballad’s schedules depended on Kyuhyun and Jonghyun’s activities and they were too busy with their respective groups for an SM the Ballad comeback. 

Jinho was left to his own devices. He spent most of his time practicing singing, sometimes dancing, or just doing nothing at all. Jinho was in an awkward situation where he lingered in the trainee practice rooms, but trainees would bow and greet him like he was their senior. Jinho supposed he was, but it felt strange when they addressed him as sunbae. Jinho didn’t feel like one.

Chanyeol spent a lot of time with the rest of EXO. Jinho understood. Your group members were your roommates, your co-workers, and your friends. They were with you 24/7 whether you liked it or not, but how could Jinho not be a little jealous? Still, Jinho swallowed his jealousy and watched as Chanyeol’s eyes sparkled when EXO greeted the audience with “We are one! Hello, we are EXO!”

A small part of Jinho wanted to be on stage too, singing and dancing alongside Chanyeol. He missed the feeling of performing, the feeling of belonging on a stage, right with his SM the Ballad members. Soon, Jinho told himself, soon, he’d be back there. Tonight was Chanyeol’s night.

Jinho has seen Chanyeol in many different places. But he decided that on the stage, with the harsh lights on him, was where he looked the best. He was glowing, smiling with eyes wide like a puppy, frizzy brown hair bouncing whenever he moved his head. He worked hard for this, getting so little sleep that sometimes he would doze off while on the phone with Jinho. Jinho felt his heart pound, half reminiscent of his own debut and half full of love for Chanyeol.

Love? Chanyeol didn’t shy away from saying it. He said ‘I love you’ as often as he could, usually when he was about to run off to another schedule. Every time he did, Jinho’s heart would flutter. He would never get sick of Chanyeol’s “I love you” accompanied by a wide smile. But Jinho never said it back, only offering a peck on the cheek or hug in exchange. 

‘I love you’ felt too much like a promise, one that Jinho couldn’t be completely confident he could keep.

Chanyeol never pressured him. But every time Jinho wanted to say it, the timing was always off or the words got stuck in his mouth. And there was a small feeling of worry that gnawed at him whenever he tried to gather his courage, that he was not enough to love Chanyeol. Chanyeol was full of love and life, with plenty to give, but Jinho barely had enough love for himself. Chanyeol made him feel loved and safe, but what did Jinho have to give him in return?

After the debut showcase, Jinho sneaked backstage, waving his backstage pass courtesy of Chanyeol at the guards. They let him in. He greeted their managers, who greeted him as Jino from SM the Ballad. Jinho brushed off his annoyance, moving past the Chinese EXO members he wasn’t that close with, who greeted him by bowing. 

“Jinho!” Minseok called out, catching him by the wrist. He was standing right with EXO-M. There were beads of sweat on the side of his face but he was smiling widely. He gave Jinho a big hug and Jinho let himself be embraced. 

“Congratulations, Minseok-hyung,” Jinho managed to squeeze out. Despite how close they were and how Minseok usually was, Minseok was still two years older than him. “Seriously.” Minseok worked hard too and he deserved all of it. Every time Jinho ran into him at the SM building, he was covered in sweat. Minseok looked like he was about to cry, but then something else flashed in his eyes.

“Oh, he’s over with EXO-K,” Minseok said, a small smirk on his face as he followed Jinho’s wandering eyes. He squeezed Jinho’s shoulder in an understanding way and patted his back. “Go, we can talk later.”

Jinho gave him a grateful look and sifted through more of the managers, makeup, and stage staff milling around backstage. As much as he loved talking to Minseok, Jinho was feeling restless. He finally caught a glimpse of Chanyeol’s brown hair sticking out from the crowd. Then EXO-K came into view, hidden away in a more secluded part of the backstage. Chanyeol, Sehun, and Kyungsoo were talking to each other while another guy Jinho knew as Baekhyun laughed loudly with the others.

Sehun saw him approaching first and looked at him curiously. Jinho knew Sehun, though not all that well. Sehun was always following Chanyeol around like a pet during their trainee days, though he looked much more grown now, eyes dark with black eyeliner. He gave Jinho a quick nod and drifted to where the rest of EXO-K was.

“Hey.” Jinho tapped Kyungsoo on the back. Kyungsoo actually smiled when he saw Jinho, but before he could say anything, Chanyeol picked Jinho up into a hug, whirling him around.

“Congratulations, guys,” Jinho squealed. Chanyeol was squeezing him tighter than usual and lifting him up so high that his feet didn’t even touch the ground. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes.

“Thank you, Jinho,” Kyungsoo said pointedly, glancing back at the other EXO-K members, who were watching them with amusement. With a cursory scan, Jinho recognized Junmyeon and Jongin as well, mostly from wandering around the SM buildings so often. They seemed to be stifling a laugh.

“I’ll talk to you guys later.” With a knowing smile, Kyungsoo walked over to the other EXO-K members.

Jinho patted Chanyeol’s back to be put down. “I’m proud of you, Chanyeol. You worked hard for this.” And Jinho meant every word. Chanyeol let Jinho down onto the ground, eyes sparkling brighter than anything Jinho had ever seen.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Chanyeol whispered, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Such a crybaby. He grabbed Jinho, holding him close to his chest. “Thank you, Jinho, I love you.” Jinho let himself be held because Chanyeol deserved it and well, it felt nice. 

He could hear the thumping of Chanyeol’s heart, pumped full of adrenaline, and smell the makeup products they put on him. Jinho closed his eyes. He wanted to stay in that moment forever, his heart full of pride and love, being held by Chanyeol. Everyone else could cease to exist at that moment and Jinho wouldn’t even notice. 

Maybe he wasn’t quite good enough for Chanyeol. But how could you stop yourself from loving someone? At that moment, Jinho felt warm, appreciated, enough. And he wanted Chanyeol to feel the same. EXO’s Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol, his Chanyeol. 

“I love you too,” Jinho said softly, just loud enough for the two of them. He felt his face flush as he said it, but it was the perfect moment. It felt right. Nothing in this world was certain, but in that breathless moment, Jinho wanted to promise Chanyeol the world. 

Chanyeol released Jinho, eyes wide with surprise. He held Jinho’s face with both hands on his jaw, then kissed him. A kiss to seal the deal. It was just a short peck, but Jinho thought that maybe a kiss was worth a thousand words too. 

Then Kyungsoo was dragging both of them away to another part of the backstage and scolding them, telling them “that was so dangerous,” and “what if you got caught?” Jinho apologized over and over and Chanyeol offered to let Kyungsoo hit him. But they knew Kyungsoo wasn’t mad when he only punched Chanyeol lightly on the shoulder. 

“We’re going out tonight to celebrate as a group for the first time,” Chanyeol said, apologetically. Jinho used his other hand to pick off a piece of lint that somehow ended up on Chanyeol’s shirt and nodded along. It was natural, expected, even. Jinho wouldn’t want to crash their group dinner anyway, sensing EXO-K’s stares to the back of his head. They weren’t glaring at him, probably more curious than anything, but still. They scared Jinho a little.

“But I have a free night on Friday,” Chanyeol added, grabbing Jinho’s hand. He was wearing a fingerless glove on that hand and it felt strange, rough against Jinho’s palm. Up close, Chanyeol looked kind of funny, with crimped brown hair falling over his eyes, big rings on his left hand, dressed in futuristic fashion that nobody would wear normally. But despite the clothes and makeup and accessories, he was still Chanyeol and his hand was still warm.

“That sounds great.” Jinho agreed, squeezing his hand. Jinho might even admit he was a little jealous. He remembered the liberating feeling of celebrating with Jonghyun, Kyuhyun and Jay after their debut. Jinho was only 18, watching as the other three nursed bottle after bottle of beer. Jonghyun let Jinho take a couple of sips from his bottle and Kyuhyun laughed when Jinho’s face reddened. Jinho smiled wistfully at the alcohol tinged memory.

Even though Jinho wanted to have Chanyeol all to himself that night, Chanyeol wasn’t just his to have anymore. He was EXO-K’s Chanyeol, the public’s Chanyeol, and he had to do all the things expected of idols too. But it was okay. Everything was okay with Jinho as long as Chanyeol kept that sparkle in his eyes and kept smiling.

* * *

2014

It was a warm spring afternoon when they got recognized on their way to Chanyeol’s mom’s restaurant. Kyungsoo and Jinho were only two blocks away and Chanyeol was already there, waiting for them. A duo of fangirls came up to ask Kyungsoo if he was D.O. from EXO, right there on the street. Kyungsoo only nodded with a bitter smile, before turning and walking away faster, tugging Jinho with them.

Jinho noticed that one of the girls looked at him, squinting almost as if she was trying to place where she’d seen him before. Jinho kind of hoped she could, but Kyungsoo hissed at him to hurry. Maybe all Jinho would be was just another face on the street, just like the girl was to him.

“You guys made it!” Chanyeol smiled as they all sat down. He was smiling, but Jinho could see the bags under his eyes from a mile away. Kyungsoo responded with a nod and picked up the menu. He seemed more impatient and annoyed than usual. To be fair, it had been pretty busy for Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. They were about to record a new album, from what Chanyeol had told him. 

Jinho didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He signed a 3-year contract for SM the Ballad, but the schedules kept piling on and the timing was never right, and there was EXO and Red Velvet to promote now. Jinho knew it wasn’t Jonghyun or Kyuhyun or Jay’s fault, but as time dragged on, an SM the Ballad comeback seemed more unlikely. 

Jinho felt like he was just drifting through life, from practice room to practice room with nothing to practice for. He felt stuck in an awkward limbo. With every year that passed, SM the Ballad seemed more like a dream, lost to time.

“Jinho, what do you want?” Chanyeol pulled him out of his thoughts, looking at him with a smile. Jinho blinked, looking back at the menu. It had a variety of Italian food. Jinho didn’t care much for Italian food.

“Uh, the seafood pasta.” Jinho picked at random and closed the menu, handing it back to Chanyeol. Chanyeol got up and went over to the kitchen himself, leaving Kyungsoo and Jinho alone. 

It was hard to keep up with EXO’s packed schedules. That was why Minseok wasn’t here either. There was some EXO-M schedule he had to run to, or at least that’s what he told them. Kyungsoo seemed more irritable than Jinho remembered, though Jinho could understand why, with all the promotions stacking up. Jinho only wished he could say the same. 

“You alright?” Jinho asked softly. Kyungsoo was a private person, but sometimes he just needed a nudge sometimes to open up. Kyungsoo turned to Jinho and sighed. 

“It’s stressful. I never get a second to breathe.” Kyungsoo’s expression softened. “But I’m glad we could meet up today. You two make me feel normal.” 

Jinho smiled. Of course he’s glad that Kyungsoo could be himself with them, but Jinho wondered what it was like to be not-normal. To be special. It was hard work, but so far, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo were rewarded handsomely for their work. They’ve accomplished a lot in two years, while Jinho… hadn’t. 

But before he could say anything else, Chanyeol came back to their table, holding a basket of breadsticks and accompanied by his mom. Both Jinho and Kyungsoo stood to greet her. She smiled, brightly, just like Chanyeol. She greeted Kyungsoo, who she had met before, then turned to Jinho.

“Ah, you must be Jinho, Chanyeol talks a lot about you.” Her tone was kind, but Jinho still felt anxious about making a good impression. She didn’t know it, but he’d been dating Chanyeol for four years by now. Chanyeol gave him a reassuring look from behind her shoulder. 

To her, Jinho was just a close friend.

“Yes, it’s nice to meet you,” Jinho bowed deeply and smiled. Her eyes seemed to sparkle. Jinho almost sighed in relief. Chanyeol had told him that his mom loved everyone and would love him too, but Jinho still had a speck of worry in the back of his mind.

“What a good kid,” Chanyeol’s mom patted Jinho on the shoulder. “I’ll go back to work now, you boys have fun, alright?” Kyungsoo and Jinho smiled as she walked away, only sitting down when she was out of sight.

“She doesn’t know, right?” Kyungsoo asked quietly, looking between Chanyeol and Jinho. Chanyeol shook his head. Jinho could only stare at the tablecloth. It was fine though, Jinho was used to their relationship being a secret anyway. What was the difference if they kept it from their family?

Chanyeol would tell Jinho that they were only laying low for now. That it was temporary, that someday things would be different. He used his sweetest voice for the empiest words. Jinho would let Chanyeol play with his hair and pepper kisses on his forehead, but Chanyeol’s assurances couldn’t wash away the truth. 

“Someday” was a nebulous concept at best, something they would be waiting for but would never come. Jinho wasn’t stupid, he knew that someday wasn’t real, but the way Chanyeol would pull him closer by the waist made Jinho a believer in “someday” and “forever.” 

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol started talking about a recent schedule or event that they had and Jinho tuned them out. He looked around the walls instead. The restaurant was new, but Chanyeol’s face was already plastered on the walls. Jinho was glad the public liked Chanyeol, but some other part of him was a little terrified by the amount of Chanyeol merchandise there was. Photos, posters, fanart, keychains, dolls, if you could put a name or a face on it, Chanyeol was on it.

He even spotted a small display dedicated to Chanyeol and Baekhyun near the door. Two little plushies posed together, plus a picture of Chanyeol and Baekhyun laughing together above it. Jinho wasn’t blind. He could tell that the fans really liked the two of them together and Jinho would be lying if he wasn’t at least a little bit envious.

Jinho had met Baekhyun before, sometimes waiting for Chanyeol’s schedules to finish. He was a nice guy, sweet and talkative, impossible not to love. Maybe that was the worst part, that Jinho couldn’t help but like him. Baekhyun was bubbly and energetic, enough to keep up with Chanyeol and they were together all the time. 

Jinho was probably Baekhyun’s opposite, in too many ways. 

Chanyeol reassured Jinho before that despite him and Baekhyun growing closer and being good friends, there was nothing going on. Jinho trusted him because Chanyeol would never lie, especially not to him. Whenever Chanyeol looked at Jinho, really looked at him with enough stars in his eyes to fill the sky, all doubts in Jinho’s mind faded away. 

Still, the display rooted itself in Jinho’s mind. A little piece of evidence for the self-conscious part of Jinho’s mind to cling onto.

Their food arrived. The seafood pasta was better than Jinho thought. Chanyeol kept looking over at Jinho, though he didn’t say anything. The way he did that made Jinho remember how he would sneak glances at him in the old cafeteria. Jinho paused, wiping his mouth.

“The food is great,” Jinho reassured Chanyeol. Chanyeol smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes and Jinho could tell he was still worried about something. Jinho made a note to ask him about it later. 

Kyungsoo ate fast and kept looking at his phone. Jinho didn’t have to ask to know that there was probably somewhere he had to run to. When he was done with his food, his phone rang. Kyungsoo shot Chanyeol and Jinho an apologetic look, walking out to the stairwell to take the call.

Chanyeol and Jinho sat across each other, both mostly done with their food. A silence hung in the air, but Jinho gave Chanyeol a smile. Chanyeol looked tired. Jinho knew him, and even though he looked happy, he was exhausted. The comeback preparation schedules were rough and it looked like Chanyeol hadn’t gotten enough sleep.

“What’s wrong?” Jinho asked gently. Four years in, Jinho could read Chanyeol pretty well. They put in the work for this, asking about each other’s days, texting and calling regularly and just knowing when the other needed support. Keeping the flame alive, or something like that. It was extra hard when Chanyeol was out of town more often than not.

Jinho missed him too, but he made sure not to show it because Chanyeol would get worried. Jinho’s feelings could wait when it came to Chanyeol’s dream. Jinho wondered if absence really made the heart grow fonder.

“I don’t know,” Chanyeol admitted, black hair almost falling into his eyes. Jinho liked it when he kept his hair dark. It felt more natural. “You looked sad,” He said it with a blend of dismay and worry. Jinho couldn’t stand it when Chanyeol looked like that, like a small hungry animal.

“I’m not sad.” Jinho stood up, walking over to Chanyeol’s side of the table. He did the same, sparing a glance at the doorway. They were seated in a private room usually reserved for EXO, away from prying eyes. “I’m here, with you.”

“I missed you a lot.” Chanyeol’s voice was just a little shaky when he embraced him. “I love you.” Jinho smiled. No matter how little they talked, Chanyeol always said it. Sure, their relationship was hard for Jinho, but it was much harder on Chanyeol. He survived on physical affection.

They talked on the phone a lot more than they met up in person. It was rare that they could go out and not be interrupted or have to cut it short. Talking on the phone was great and all, but Chanyeol whispering “I love you” into the phone, cooped up in the dorm bathroom for privacy, couldn’t compare to hearing it from him in real life.

“I love you, too,” Jinho said, muffled by Chanyeol’s chest. Then they pulled apart. Chanyeol furrowed his brows as he looked at Jinho with intent. He looked like he was studying Jinho’s face. “What are you doing?” Jinho suppressed a laugh.

“I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can see you like this again,” Chanyeol murmured. “Up close, you feel so real. I want to memorise everything about you.” Jinho’s eyes darted to the ground, his cheeks flush with embarrassment from the scrutiny. Chanyeol would spring the mushiest lines on him out of nowhere. 

Jinho’s eyes latched onto another Chanyeol and Baekhyun picture on the wall, one where they had an arm around each other. It was cute. Sickeningly cute. Chanyeol turned around to follow Jinho’s line of sight, towards the poster.

“Are you jealous?” Chanyeol looked back at Jinho incredulously, his smile turned into a smirk. Jinho shook his head vigorously. No, he was not jealous. Well, maybe a little, but Chanyeol didn’t have to know that. But the redness of his face probably gave Jinho away.

“Jo Jinho, I’m yours,” Chanyeol said, his smirk twisting into a serious expression. He looked so serious that Jinho wanted to slap himself for ever thinking otherwise. “You know that, right?” Jinho nodded. Then Chanyeol leaned in to kiss him, hands resting on the back of Jinho’s neck. His kisses were always gentle, familiar, comforting. Jinho liked it. No, he needed it. Chanyeol might be more clingy and touchy, but Jinho knew he would fall apart without Chanyeol.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat. “Am I interrupting?” He said, with a roll of his eyes. “Why am I getting deja vu right now?”

“Sorry!” Jinho pushed Chanyeol off lightly, red with embarrassment. Chanyeol laughed. He never had any shame. Chanyeol reached for Jinho’s hand and Jinho intertwined their fingers. Chanyeol was his. With Chanyeol’s hand in his, Jinho realised just how cold he was when Chanyeol wasn’t around. The instinct to just take Chanyeol’s hand and run off with him was strong, but luckily, Jinho’s self restraint was stronger. 

“Anyways, your mom wants us to sign the wall before we go,” Kyungsoo said, handing Chanyeol a black marker. Chanyeol released Jinho’s hand to take it. Jinho let his hand dangle at his side, empty. Moments with Chanyeol were as fleeting as they were sweet, candle flames ready to be blown out with the lightest breath. But Jinho was used to them now.

“Where should we sign?” His voice was bubbly as always as they followed Kyungsoo back out to the main part of the restaurant. Kyungsoo pointed at a wall where he already signed. 

Chanyeol uncapped the marker and signed, brows furrowed together in concentration. EXO’s Chanyeol, he wrote in large letters. Kyungsoo and Jinho watched him. When he was done, Chanyeol turned to him and handed the pen over.

“Me?” Jinho blinked. “But I’m not-” 

“Just sign it, Jinho.” Kyungsoo groaned.

“Yes, you,” Chanyeol said earnestly, waving the pen. How could Jinho deny those eager eyes? Jinho took it, sparing a glance over at Kyungsoo who nodded at him. Chanyeol’s mom wandered over, grinning at Jinho. If she was okay with it, it was probably fine, right?

Jinho swallowed. He took the marker, hesitating when he got close to the wall. Black marker was pretty permanent. He wasn’t sure what to write, so Jinho just signed his signature as Jino. He left out SM the Ballad. Then he drew a little emote to go along with it and handed the pen back to Chanyeol.

“Thank you boys for coming!” Chanyeol’s mom said, patting Jinho and Kyungsoo on the back. “Chanyeol, make sure to bring your friends around again soon!” 

“Yeah, let’s come back again, alright?” Chanyeol nudged Jinho on the shoulder, though his mom didn’t seem to notice. Jinho nodded, smiling meekly at Chanyeol’s mom. She had the same sparkly eyes that you couldn’t refuse. Jinho didn’t really want to go back again, but he agreed because he’d go anywhere as long as Chanyeol was with him.

“Bring the rest of EXO with you next time!” She winked, squeezing Chanyeol’s shoulder knowingly. Chanyeol only smiled weakly and nodded in response. Jinho tried not to frown. If only he was in EXO too. If only he was a real idol. She waved as the three of them walked out of the restaurant. 

Jinho turned back for a last peek at Chanyeol’s mom. She was smiling to herself as she fussed with the display of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s plushies right by the door. Jinho was about to sigh when Chanyeol’s hand found his again, interlocking their fingers once more. Jinho turned away from the restaurant, glancing up at Chanyeol. 

He was looking right ahead, but sensing Jinho’s stare, looked down at him and smiled. Chanyeol looked at Jinho like he was the only person in the world. Jinho remembered asking him one night, why Chanyeol kept staring at him before they met, back when they were still fresh-faced trainees.

“You were so cute that I wanted to know more about you.” Chanyeol smiled fondly at the memory. He had a habit of saying the corniest things that made Jinho want to hide. “I was too shy to say anything until that night in the practice room. Remember?” Of course, Jinho remembered. 

Jinho squeezed Chanyeol’s hand and started walking, tugging Chanyeol along. It was okay if nobody recognized him on the street anymore, because Chanyeol was the only one who Jinho wanted to look at him.

* * *

2015

Days stretched into weeks and months. Jinho had to do the hardest thing he ever had to, walking away from his dream and leaving SM. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew his chances of debuting at SM dwindled every year that passed. So after weighing all his options, it was probably better for him to leave.

Luckily, he got an offer to be a vocal coach, which he took. It still took him a lot of time before he could feel comfortable with singing again, but Jinho had settled into his new vocal trainer job nicely. His students were all keen kids, eager to impress. Jinho’s reputation preceded him at the academy, though once the initial excitement died down, everyone treated him normally. 

Sure, sometimes it hurt when kids with eyes as bright as stage lights asked him what it was like being an idol. But Jinho spun stories about the spotlight and the rush of the crowds cheering anyway because it was nice to have a little hope. They could learn about the pain later.

Unsurprisingly, being a vocal trainer was less work than being a trainee. It was a pretty comfortable and non-stressful job. Plus, Jinho could do whatever he wanted after work and on the weekends. Maybe giving up on his dream was okay if it meant he could go on proper vacations. His schedule was pretty flexible too, so that meant he could accommodate Chanyeol’s schedule better. 

EXO was as busy as ever, despite the loss of some of their members. Jinho had to admit, Call Me Baby was catchy, and the general population seemed to agree with him. During one of Chanyeol’s few breaks, he asked Jinho to go to Japan with him. Naturally, Jinho jumped at the chance. 

Also naturally, Chanyeol was recognized and even followed a few times. But Jinho managed to get some shopping in before they were bombarded by fans. Sometimes dating an international pop star sucked because you couldn’t go anywhere unnoticed, but sometimes it was nice because he paid for everything.

Chanyeol was as apologetic as ever that they couldn’t go sightseeing and shopping more, but Jinho didn’t mind. As long as they could spend quality time together. Plus, there was plenty to do even when cooped up in a hotel room together.

Jinho smiled fondly at those memories, glancing over at the little souvenir he kept on his desk. Their first trip together. There was something about running away from their lives with each other that Jinho loved. He could pretend for a few days that they were just a normal couple on vacation, minus the cameras that seemed to follow them no matter where they went. 

They mostly stayed up late at night, talking to each other as much as they could, and when they were too tired to talk, they would just fall asleep cuddled up to each other. Sometimes Jinho would fight to keep his own eyes open a little longer to see Chanyeol’s sleeping face. His calm breathing, his messy silver hair, his open-mouth drooling. 

The moment they came back, Chanyeol was already kissing him goodbye, jetting off to another concert on the other side of the world. Jinho smiled at his fading silhouette through gritted teeth. Then it would be weeks of bad days with nobody to vent to, time zones and schedules, Chanyeol mumbling ‘wish you were here,’ half asleep on the phone.

Jinho wanted to go on another trip already.

Other than Chanyeol, there was someone else who invited Jinho out to dinner. Jinho was pretty surprised when Kyuhyun reached out to him, but not exactly in a bad way. It was nice catching up with him, even if they hadn’t spoken much since Jinho left SM. Frankly, Jinho didn’t even expect Kyuhyun to remember him, but he did. Kyuhyun, Jonghyun and Jay all doted on him.

They met up at a nice restaurant, one of those places that celebrities went to when they wanted privacy. Kyuhyun was his usual chatty self. Jinho could see guilt all over Kyuhyun’s face when they talked about SM the Ballad, but he seemed to cheer up when Jinho reassured him that it wasn’t his fault they unofficially disbanded. A few drinks in, Kyuhyun felt like dispensing advice.

“Jinho-ya,” Kyuhyun said softly. “There’s no such thing as forever in our industry.” 

Jinho only stared at him in response. Kyuhyun must’ve been really tipsy, or perhaps even drunk. Jinho smiled, ready to call it a night when Kyuhyun continued.

“You can’t be young forever, you can’t be the best forever, you can’t be popular forever.” Kyuhyun’s words started to blur together a little. “Nothing lasts forever, not even love.” Kyuhyun sighed, head drooping. Jinho didn’t dare ask what happened to him, but it must’ve been pretty bad.  
t  
Jinho swallowed. “Should I call one of your members to pick you up?”

“I’m fine. I’ll call a cab.” Kyuhyun’s eyes met Jinho’s. There was a deep sorrow, all too real, to his gaze. Jinho hated it. “I’m sorry, Jinho-ya, I’m being too pessimistic right?” Kyuhyun smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I hope you end up happy.” He knew about Jinho and Chanyeol, of course he did. You couldn’t date someone for five years without most of your extended social circle knowing. 

“It’s okay, hyung.” Jinho reached out to pat Kyuhyun’s hand on the table. “Get some rest, we should call it a night.” That night, Jinho chalked up Kyuhyun’s advice to ramblings of a spurned drunk guy, but Kyuhyun’s words lingered in the back of Jinho’s mind like an unwanted visitor. 

Kyuhyun seemed to be faring better these days, though they hadn’t gone out since. Jinho wondered what Kyungsoo and Minseok were up to these days, though in terms of work, it was mostly the same stuff as Chanyeol. It would be nice to get lunch or something, all four of them together.

Jinho always held his worries close to his chest. If he told Chanyeol, Chanyeol would tell him things like how Jinho’s voice was the only thing he wanted to listen to and flatter him with compliments until Jinho was curving under his words. Sometimes, Jinho didn’t like it when Chanyeol complimented him because it felt like he was expecting something out of Jinho. And Jinho had nothing to show for having the best voice in the world.

Besides, Chanyeol was only around for a couple of days a month, if even that. Jinho preferred to spend their time talking about Chanyeol’s new projects or Jinho’s work life or go out on a date. Jinho buried his doubts deep down. Chanyeol didn’t have the time to worry about Jinho’s personal problems when he had the world to cater to.

“Hey, Jo-ssi, can I talk to you?” 

The manager rarely sought Jinho out, unless schedule changes were happening. Jinho nodded. The manager led him to the meeting room, which Jinho had never been in. There was another man, who introduced himself as the CEO of the academy and shook Jinho’s hand with a smile. 

Usually, a meeting with the CEO would be bad news, but he seemed to be happy, which confused Jinho. It couldn’t be a promotion either, considering Jinho hadn’t even worked there for a year yet. He gestured for Jinho to sit.

“So, Jo-ssi,” The CEO paused. “Should I call you that? Do you prefer Jino?” Jinho shook his head, ignoring the sting of being called Jino again. He hadn’t been called that in a while. He didn’t want to be called that anymore.

“Jo-ssi is fine, sir,” Jinho said gently.

“Alright, Jo-ssi,” The CEO adjusted his glasses. “I remember you from SM the Ballad. It was a great project, I enjoyed your music a lot.” Something about his tone sounded sincere, which put Jinho more at ease despite the mention of SM the Ballad. 

“Thank you, sir.” Jinho wondered if he was here to get a signature or something. 

“I’ll be straight to the point with you. Are you still interested in becoming an idol?” The CEO asked, looking right at Jinho. Jinho blinked. Well, he couldn’t say he hadn't thought about it, but Jinho had given up on the idea already, resigning to his fate of being a vocal trainer for the rest of his life. 

The CEO leaned in a little. “I’m good friends with the Cube Entertainment talent development team and they’re looking for male trainees. I can help you with getting an audition if you want, though I’m sure you wouldn’t have a problem passing it with your talent.” He beamed.

“Um,” Jinho fumbled with his words. It was a lot to process and a million thoughts ran through his head. “I’ll think about it. Thank you, sir.” He stood up. His head was spinning, just a little.

“Okay, I’ll be around so let me know once you’ve made up your mind.” The CEO folded his arms on the table. “Personally, I can’t wait for you to perform again. It would be such a waste of your talent if you didn’t.” 

Jinho could only smile weakly at the compliment before leaving the room.

Jinho walked briskly. It hasn’t started snowing yet, but it was cold all the same. Winter was good though, in a sense, because being bundled up in layers of coats, hats and scarves made you less recognizable. Today, Chanyeol was coming over to Jinho’s apartment. Usually, they met outside and walked for a bit, but it was pretty cold, so Jinho didn’t feel like going for a walk.

Out of nowhere, Jinho was being offered this chance to start again. Cube Entertainment wasn’t some unknown agency. They treated their idols well, they had good music, and their groups were pretty successful. Plus what the CEO said was true, Jinho had 6 years of training under his belt, at SM to boot. Companies would be crazy to turn him away if he auditioned. It was a very real chance.

But it had taken time for Jinho to come to terms with not being a singer anymore. It had always been his dream, and walking away from it was hard. He had felt empty for weeks, spending days at a time cooped up in his apartment. Jinho had never wanted to sing again. It was Chanyeol who’d come to check in on him, whispered sweet nothings while holding him, kissed his tears away. 

Slowly, Jinho had found his voice again. The first time Jinho sang again, he’d been absentmindedly singing a song stuck in his head while cooking with Chanyeol. Everything came effortlessly when it was Chanyeol. Chanyeol had nearly dropped a plate to hold Jinho and kiss him all over, even when Jinho squealed that he was being gross. 

“I love it when you sing,” Chanyeol had murmured. He’d pressed another kiss onto Jinho’s forehead. “I love your voice. I love you.” Then he’d said “I love you” another dozen times that night. After that, singing in front of Chanyeol had been easy and he’d worked his way back to being comfortable with singing again. 

Chanyeol was the glue that held him together. He helped Jinho pick up the pieces, all with a smile. It felt right to finally be singing again, as if it mended the emptiness in Jinho’s heart, though there was still a missing piece. Nothing quite filled the feeling of performing. But if this was what Jinho wanted, Chanyeol would be right there too, supporting him, right?

Jinho barely had time to tidy things up in his living room before Chanyeol was ringing the doorbell. It was one of the rare moments that he was in Korea, mostly busy with preparing for the Call Me Baby repackage recordings. The only times Chanyeol was in Korea were to prepare or promote a comeback, film a new movie or write music. Since Chanyeol returned, he had been spending as many evenings and nights as possible with Jinho.

Then Chanyeol was in the apartment, taking off his shoes, giving Jinho a warm smile while shrugging off his coat. Chanyeol was blonde now, hair fluffy and a bit too long. It was a good look on him, but Jinho still preferred him with his natural hair. Something about it was nostalgic.

“How was your day?” Chanyeol asked. His dimple showed and so did his tiredness. The two of them headed to the kitchen. Chanyeol always insisted on cooking dinner at home together, unless he was so tired that Jinho had to either make dinner himself or order in. There’d been a few times where Chanyeol fell asleep while they were talking and Jinho let him nap in his bed until someone, his manager, Jinho guessed, called to pick him up. 

“Good,” Jinho said cautiously. Maybe they should discuss the audition over dinner. Jinho smiled to himself, remembering how Chanyeol would apologize profusely for falling asleep and Jinho would shut him up with a peck. He placed the vegetables on the chopping board. “The kids actually listened today.”

“That’s nice,” Chanyeol wrapped his arms around Jinho’s waist from the back, burrowing his face into the back of Jinho’s hair. Something told Jinho that Chanyeol wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. He could smell all the hair products they put in Chanyeol’s hair and feel his soft breathing onto his neck.

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” Jinho chopped the vegetables, careful not to move his shoulder too much. “Literally. I can’t cook like this.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol mumbled, pressing a kiss into Jinho’s hair before unclasping himself from him. “Let’s go out to a nice restaurant next time, okay?” Jinho let himself smile. Just having Chanyeol around was comforting. Jinho found himself missing Chanyeol’s hair ruffling or forehead kisses every so often, whenever the temperature outside started to drop or whenever a little worm of self-consciousness wriggled out of the dirt.

They were done with dinner and doing the dishwashing when Jinho finally gathered the courage to bring it up. Jinho hadn’t fully made his mind up. On one hand, he liked his current job because it was nice and comfortable. Debuting was always a gamble. On the other hand, Jinho’s chances were pretty good, considering the agency was decent and he could carry himself with his skills. Just the thought of performing for people again made him want to drop everything and roll the dice.

Well, maybe Jinho was a little closer to auditioning than he thought.

“Chanyeol,” Jinho said softly. 

“What is it?” Chanyeol yawned in response, handing him a dish to put away.

“The CEO of the Academy met with me today and he told me he had connections with Cube Entertainment,” Jinho swallowed, drying another dish. Now Chanyeol was looking at him, listening properly. “He told me to audition since Cube was looking to debut a boy group soon.”

Chanyeol paused, letting the water run for a moment. The sound of gushing water rang in Jinho’s ears as he held his breath. Then Chanyeol blinked and went back to washing the rest of the dishes.

“What did you say?” He asked, handing Jinho another plate. Jinho could sense him dancing around what he really wanted to say. 

“I told him I would think about it,” Jinho said truthfully. Chanyeol only nodded as they finished up the dishes. Chanyeol’s unusual silence unnerved Jinho a little because he was half expecting Chanyeol to jump in excitement.

“Well?” Jinho peered up at Chanyeol as he dried his hands. 

“Well, what?” Chanyeol teased, leading them into the living room. They sat on the couch. Jinho looked at him expectantly.

“What do you think?”

Chanyeol scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You’re not thinking of actually doing it, right?” It was Jinho’s turn to blink. He wasn’t expecting Chanyeol to be, well, against the idea completely. Chanyeol’s gaze fell back on Jinho and his expression shifted. “You want to?” He asked, incredulously.

“I was considering it,” Jinho corrected him. “But it’s nice to know you don’t want me to.” Jinho meant to tease him, but he must not have said it right because Chanyeol looked a little hurt at his comment.

“Well, I don’t want you to get your hopes up again,” Chanyeol’s eyebrows drooped. He looked like a wounded puppy. “It’s not that easy—”

“I know more than anyone that it’s not easy,” Jinho rarely interrupted Chanyeol, but the words leaped out of him. The more Jinho thought about it, he wanted to audition. “But it’s a second chance and it’s a good chance.”

“Nothing’s for certain even if you debut, you know that,” Chanyeol said, his expression solemn. Ouch. That struck a little too deeply for Jinho’s liking and now he was struggling to keep himself together. SM the Ballad was a forbidden topic. To Jinho, it was a reminder of failure, that maybe he wasn’t meant for the stage.

“It’s my dream, Chanyeol.” Jinho looked down at his lap, his vision starting to blur. He wasn’t expecting Chanyeol to be so opposed to the idea and it hurt. Jinho could barely believe in himself, but Chanyeol was supposed to. Chanyeol was supposed to support him, have faith in him, lift him up, and he was hurting Jinho instead.

“I don’t want you to be disappointed,” Chanyeol said gently, reaching out to take Jinho’s hands. He ran his thumb over Jinho’s knuckles. “You have a great, stable job right now. Don’t throw it away for some audition.”

Throwing it away… so Chanyeol thought it was a waste of time. But if Jinho passed this chance up, he knew he would be stuck at the Academy forever, wondering what could have been while watching his own students debut. And Jinho couldn’t live like that when a chance to prove himself was right there.

“I have to try. I can’t live with myself if I don’t _try._ ” Jinho said, finding strength in his voice. “I can’t just sit there in a shitty office, singing without really singing. I want to go on stage again. I’m a singer, Chanyeol. This is my chance to make something of myself.” His deepest thoughts crawled their way through the dirt and out of Jinho’s mouth. The truth was, Jinho couldn’t just stay there any longer. He needed to do _something_ with his life, something to show his worth. Something to prove that he was enough for Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol’s face dropped. “It’s not that simple. There’s so much you have to give up. Like your privacy. Your friends, your energy, your youth...”

“That’s what I’m saying, Chanyeol.” Jinho sighed, letting go of Chanyeol’s hands. “I’m willing to give everything up.” What did Jinho even have right now? A job that only reminded him of what could have been? A tiny apartment? The remnants of a crushed dream? 

In comparison to Chanyeol, who had the whole world in front of him, Jinho had nothing. Jinho wanted to laugh at the irony. Wasn’t he the one who wanted to promise Chanyeol the world?

“But what about us?” Chanyeol’s voice was small. The pause after seemed to echo, ‘would you give us up?’

“What do you mean, what about us?” Jinho felt his conviction turn into frustration. “Do you expect me to just sit here and wait? When you go away for weeks at a time, leaving me behind to clean this hiding place up for you?” His boredom with his life came out too bitter. Seeing Chanyeol’s expression made him want to eat his words back up, but in his frustration, he let his words linger. 

“No!” Chanyeol said, surprised. His eyes were welling up. “Of course not, but if you become an idol—dating as two idols is much harder than as we are now. We’ll have less time to meet, less freedom—” It sounded like a bunch of excuses, like Chanyeol was trying to stop him. 

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to support me,” Jinho said, cutting Chanyeol off for the second time. “You don’t think it’s hard for me? We see each other barely twice a month, Chanyeol. All I can do is watch you from the audience and on TV. I can only watch you live out a life I wanted but I still supported you! Why can’t you do the same?”

“Is that what you stay with me for? Are you jealous?” Chanyeol’s voice went from hurt to angry. He didn’t raise his voice, but one look at him showed he was upset. “You want some taste of fame, is that it?” Every word felt like a punch in Jinho’s gut. If Chanyeol wasn’t with him, he was against him, Jinho decided. 

“I can’t believe you,” Jinho hissed. Jinho knew Chanyeol like the back of his hand and Chanyeol didn’t mean the words he said, but it stung all the same. Chanyeol bit his lip. Jinho wanted to scream and cry and hit Chanyeol for trying to stop him but Jinho steeled his resolve. 

“I’m going to audition.”

A deafening silence lingered between them.

“Fine,” Chanyeol broke the silence first, standing up. He avoided Jinho’s eyes. “I was only trying to protect you. I don’t want to see you hurt again.” His voice was impossibly soft, a drastic shift from his anger just moments ago. Jinho swallowed. This was the right decision, Jinho kept repeating to himself. 

“I don’t need you to protect me.” Jinho stood up as well. It was a lie. There was nothing more Jinho wanted to do than run into Chanyeol’s arms and cry and apologise over and over until Chanyeol forgave him. But Jinho _needed_ this. He needed to live his dream to become whole and he’d do it on his own if he had to. 

Chanyeol turned to him, half sniffling, tears on his face. His blonde hair fell into his eyes.

“So you’re saying we should break up?” Chanyeol whispered the unwanted truth. His voice was sad, but he still looked at Jinho like he did for the past 5 years, like Jinho was the universe. Like Jinho was the love of his life. Was he?

“Maybe we should,” Jinho muttered back, because if Chanyeol asked him to, he would walk away from his dream again in an instant. And Jinho couldn’t let himself do that, not even for Chanyeol, because he knew he would regret it. If he didn’t regret it right away, it would creep up on him years later in a slow resentment for Chanyeol. 

Jinho would rather Chanyeol hate him than the other way around, though the way Chanyeol was turning away and snatching his coat made Jinho want to pull him back. He was moving too fast, like sand slipping through Jinho’s fingers. Even if Jinho wanted to take back all his words, it would be too late. Chanyeol didn’t look back as he swung the front door open, his tall silhouette in the doorway casting a shadow on the floor.

“Goodbye, Jinho.”

Then he was gone, vanished into thin air as if he was a dream that was never really there to begin with. A dream for a dream. 

That’s how much Jinho wanted this. The start of a new chapter had to come after the end of an old one, or at least that was what Jinho told himself as he sank to his knees on the living room floor, tears dripping down his face.

* * *

2020

“Jinho-hyung?”

“Yeah?”

Jinho looked up from his phone. Hyunggu was standing shyly by the doorway of the living room. It wasn’t surprising in the least, everyone was always lingering around Dorm B to talk to Jinho these days. Enlistment came at you fast. 

Hyunggu scratched the back of his neck. “Well, I was looking for a place to put my extra painting supplies, and-” 

“Sure.” Jinho smiled. “It’s not like I’ll be using it for a while.” Hyunggu looked relieved.

Jinho stood up from the couch, stretching his arms. Today, Changgu went out somewhere and wouldt be back until later, and both Wooseok and Yuto just left for the studio. So it was just him and Hyunggu for now.

“I’ll clean out my room then, I’ve been meaning to do it for a while,” Jinho said, headed to his room. 

“Wait, I’ll help,” Hyunggu rushed after him, following him in. Jinho’s room was a bit bigger than before, ever since they switched dorms, even though he already had a whole room to himself before. Honestly, there wasn’t much to clean, since Jinho already threw a bunch of stuff out when they moved here.

The two of them got to work, dusting off shelves, clearing out Jinho’s table so Hyunggu could use it. Jinho emptied out a whole drawer of old receipts. He didn’t know his hoarding habit was that bad until he had a whole stack of receipts in his hand. Once they were mostly done, the two of them sat on the ground next to Jinho’s bed.

Jinho studied Hyunggu’s tired but smiley expression, beads of sweat forming on his neck. Hyunggu was always a clingy one and a crybaby at that. Maybe that was why Jinho had such a soft spot for Hyunggu, the one who cried about being unable to get their first win with Jinho. Jinho reached out, absentmindedly picking a piece of lint off Hyunggu’s shoulder. 

“Hey, do you need to throw out the boxes under your bed?” Hyunggu pointed. They moved out of their old dorm in a hurry and Hongseok helped him by chucking most of his stuff into random boxes. Jinho guessed that boxes were just extra bags, old photos, and other trinkets that he didn’t have anywhere to put. Maybe he should check to see if there was anything to throw out.

“Let’s see.” Jinho pulled out two of the boxes. Hyunggu helped, bringing a garbage bag over. The first box was mostly garbage and Jinho was going through the second box of old clothes when Hyunggu pulled out the third box.

“Woah. Hyung, what’s this?” Jinho froze when he saw it. The third cardboard box was smaller than the others, only a bit larger than a shoebox. Its sides were thick with layers of tape, cut open and resealed a few times. Hongseok must have shoved it into one of Jinho’s moving boxes without him knowing.

Hyunggu looked over at Jinho curiously. Jinho debated whether or not he should just throw the whole box away, an argument he had every time he was faced with this box. But he could never do it. 

“Should I throw it away?” Hyunggu asked softly. Jinho bit his lip and shook his head. This damned box. Jinho moved closer, box cutter in hand. He cut through the topmost layer of tape. Jinho wanted to laugh. He should know by now that a layer of tape couldn’t stop him.

Jinho opened it up. 

Everything was placed carefully inside. A fingerless leather glove, a dark blue bandana, a pair of sunglasses, and a folded up jersey, signed. A stack of albums, each with scrawl all over the covers. A paper clip holding a handful of photos together. 

Jinho swallowed. It never got easier to look at this box, even though it’d been over a year since he last opened it. From time to time, he’d even think about it. Hyunggu put a hand on Jinho’s shoulder. Good kid. Jinho glanced over at him. He looked worried, so Jinho smiled. 

“You can look through it, I don’t mind.” Jinho watched as Hyunggu’s eyes lit up, eyes scanning at all the merchandise. The maknaes really liked EXO. Yuto might even faint if he saw this box. 

“This jersey’s pretty cool,” Hyunggu said, pulling it out carefully. The Love Me Right jersey, one of the last things he ever gave Jinho. Jinho never asked for these things, but Chanyeol insisted on giving little outfit pieces and MV props to him. There was his signature in the middle, right over the 61. Hyunggu squinted at it. “Whose signature is it?”

“Chanyeol,” Jinho answered quietly. A name he hadn’t said in…he lost track. Maybe he was scared that if he said it out loud too many times, Chanyeol would appear. Jinho shared a lot about his past with his members, but not this. None of them knew. 

“Oh, Chanyeol-sunbaenim,” Hyunggu echoed, looking at the stack of albums. What Chanyeol wrote on the covers was fairly inconspicuous, just stuff like “My dear friend, Jinho, thank you for cheering me on,” or “I can’t wait to see you again, Jinho!” The albums were the only things Jinho asked for because Chanyeol liked to doodle and write notes in them.

“Why do you need the album photos when you have the real thing right here?” Chanyeol would smirk, his dimple showing, but he always took his time writing little messages all over the whole album. Then he would give the cover a kiss before handing it to Jinho, laughing when Jinho complained about it being unclean. 

Jinho only watched as Hyunggu picked one up. The EXODUS album, the last one he had. It was Chanyeol’s version, of course. Love Me Right came out too late. On the cover, he scrawled, “My lovely Jinho, I missed you. Let’s meet again soon. I’ll be waiting for you.” It had been a long time, but Jinho could still hear his voice in his mind. Jinho bit his lip, willing himself not to cry, not in front of Hyunggu. 

“Wow, you guys were pretty close, huh?” Hyunggu said, mostly to himself as he flipped through the album. Jinho almost laughed. Well, that was one way to put it. Hyunggu stopped on the acknowledgments page, skimming through it. “Oh, hyung, you’re mentioned here?”

Jinho knew that, but he stayed quiet.

“My beloved friends, Jinho and Sangyoon, let’s love forever!” Hyunggu read out loud, with amusement in his voice. Jinho remembered that when he first saw it, he was a little annoyed that he was lumped in with Sangyoon. He didn’t say anything but Chanyeol knew him too well. Chanyeol kissed him on the forehead then and whispered that the “let’s love forever!” was for him. 

Let’s love forever. Despite Jinho’s best attempts, tears were falling from his eyes. Somewhere from the back of Jinho’s mind, Kyuhyun’s voice whispered to him, low and half slurred. _Nothing lasts forever, Jinho-ya. Not even love._

He could hear Hyunggu drop the album on the ground before grabbing tissues and trying to comfort him, but all Jinho could think about was how if Chanyeol asked him today, he would still walk away from all of this for him. It was always either Chanyeol or his dream, one or the other. Never both.

Jinho made his decision 5 years ago, but sometimes, he wondered what would’ve happened if he chose Chanyeol. Jinho remembered walking in on Hwitaek crying some early June night last year, holding a multicolored album to his chest. It seemed that choosing either option would lead to suffering anyway.

But now that he was living out his dream, he knew that it was the right decision. Every time he performed with the rest of his members, every time he recorded a Magazine Ho, every promotion cycle, Jinho knew from deep in his heart that this was right. He thanked fate that he didn’t end up staying in that miserable office like some caged bird.

It didn’t stop him from crying though. Jinho knew his tears were useless, that crying couldn’t turn back time. Crying wouldn’t bring Chanyeol back, but he would know where to rub his back, what to say, how to kiss it better. Maybe the worst part about Chanyeol leaving was that nobody could kiss it better like he did. 

Hyunggu was whispering something to him but Jinho couldn’t hear a thing. Jinho was stupid for believing in “forever.” He was stupid because even after all these years, Chanyeol was still the only person he cried over. Even after all this time, as much as Jinho wanted to forget, he couldn’t. 

They sent Changgu to talk to him. Jinho must have scared Hyunggu pretty bad for them to send Changgu. Jinho’s eyes were all puffy and his nose was raw from blowing his nose so much. Changgu sat on the edge of Jinho’s bed, next to Jinho, offering his comforting presence and a box of tissues. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” Changgu asked cautiously. Jinho tried to smile. There was no point in hiding it anymore when he broke into tears in front of Hyunggu, who no doubt already told everyone else about what happened. 

“I’ll start from the beginning,” Jinho said, quietly. Maybe it was finally time to tell the story. Changgu was as good a place to start as any. The beginning, all the way back at the dance practice room at exactly 10 pm, the moment that changed Jinho’s life. He wondered when he really fell in love with Chanyeol, but Jinho wouldn’t be able to pick a specific moment. Falling in love with Chanyeol was so easy that he could do it without knowing.

“I’m here for you, hyung.” Changgu looked at him intently, waiting. The way he was patient with kindness in his eyes made some part of Jinho ache in a way that was all too familiar. So Jinho retold his story as concisely as he could and by the end, he could see Changgu’s eyes watering.

“That’s the saddest story I’ve ever heard, Jinho-hyung.” Changgu wrapped his arms around Jinho in a hug. Poor Changgu, he always cried a lot at those sad romance movies that Hyunggu would drag everyone to. Jinho stroked Changgu’s back.

“Why are you sad, silly?” Jinho smiled gently to himself. Changgu pulled apart from Jinho and grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Hyung, you have to go to him.” Changgu’s eyes were glassy with tears. “You can’t move on if you don’t get closure from him.” 

“I can’t.” Jinho kept his voice soft. ‘I’m scared,’ was what Jinho really wanted to say but he kept that to himself. Some things weren’t meant to be said out loud.

“You’re going to enlist like this? Wouldn’t it be nice to get some closure before you go?” Changgu looked like a mix of sadness and guilt. The sadness was probably on Jinho’s behalf but the guilt was unmistakably from himself, for not knowing. It wasn’t his fault for not knowing. Everyone had emotional baggage, but Jinho’s just never told the members about this particular one. 

Changgu gave him a serious look.

“I’ll think about it.” Jinho found himself saying. The phrase rang like an echo in Jinho’s mind. Like before, maybe Jinho was closer to agreeing than he first thought.

Jinho made up his mind. He was going to end his misery for once and for all, call Chanyeol, talk to him and apologise for the way things ended. Then Jinho could enlist with a clean slate. At least, that was the ideal situation. 

Jinho had to jump through a few hoops. First was actually tracking Chanyeol down, because the last time he called Chanyeol was 5 years ago and he had definitely changed his number since then. Luckily, Jinho bumped into Johnny at ISAC last year, where they exchanged numbers. 

“You two hyungs used to be so close, give him a call!” Johnny, who wasn’t around enough back then to know what really happened between Jinho and Chanyeol, gave Chanyeol’s number to him. Johnny was a good kid.

Jinho could’ve asked Kyuhyun instead, but he didn’t want to hear the pain in Kyuhyun’s voice.

The second hoop was convincing his members that he was okay. Jinho wondered if they implemented some sort of watch system on him because it seemed like everyone rotated shifts to spend time with him. Shinwon and Hongseok would pester him until he joined them for lunch, Hyunggu would randomly come up to hug him, and Wooseok would quietly bring him snacks throughout the day. 

Jinho didn’t mind spending time with them, considering he would have to leave for over a year soon, but the way they all seemed like they were ready for him to burst into tears at any moment was irritating. Whenever Changgu saw him, it seemed like Changgu himself was about to cry.

So he rounded all of them up for a group dinner to tell them to leave him alone. It seemed to do the job, though some of them were more convinced than others. In fact, the only ones who seemed convinced were Wooseok and Yuto, two of the most gullible ones. But Jinho would save the full story for later.

The third hoop was forcing himself to call. That was the hardest hoop to jump through. But what did Jinho have to lose? The worst Chanyeol could say was no, then Jinho could stew about it during his military enlistment knowing that at least he tried. Jinho hit the call button.

“Hello?” Chanyeol’s voice was low as always. Just hearing him talk was familiar and foreign at once. A decade of memories flooded back in an instant. “Who is this?” This wasn’t exactly the moment Jinho had been dreaming of, but just hearing Chanyeol talk was worth the trouble.

“It’s Jinho,” Jinho could barely get himself above a whisper, so he moved the phone closer. “I got your number from Johnny.”

There was a pause. 

“Hello.” Chanyeol’s voice was still deep, but he spoke more gently than when he answered the phone. He wondered what Chanyeol was doing then, if he still had the habit of pacing around while on a phone call.

“Hey.” It felt surreal. Jinho half expected to wake up in a few seconds, for all of this to have been a dream. Sometimes he couldn’t believe what had happened in the span of five years.

“Why did you call?” Chanyeol didn’t sound annoyed, which was a relief. He half expected Chanyeol to get mad and hang up, but Chanyeol could never stay mad at Jinho. He didn’t hold grudges, much less for five years. “Is something wrong?” Jinho could sense the familiar concern in his voice. 

“I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’m enlisting soon.” Jinho swallowed. 

“Oh.” Minseok and Kyungsoo already enlisted within EXO, but Jinho would be one of the first ‘92 liners in the industry to enlist. “Take care and come back healthy.” His words were blunt.

“Thanks.” Jinho took a deep breath. “Do you want to meet before I go?” Jinho slapped himself mentally. The words slipped out of Jinho before he could think twice. Jinho’s heartbeat quickened, hoping Chanyeol would say yes.

There was another pause.

“Okay.” Chanyeol sounded a little hesitant. 

Jinho was reluctant too. He wasn’t sure how he would feel or what he would do when he saw Chanyeol in person. But it was too late to change his mind and Chanyeol already agreed. The least he could do was apologise for hurting Chanyeol then, get some closure and move on. 

Changgu’s stern expression resurfaced in Jinho’s mind. Jinho had spent too many years wondering what could have been, what he should have done instead. Hopefully, Jinho could finally put those thoughts to rest. It always gnawed at Jinho whenever he was reminded of Chanyeol, though it didn’t help that his name and face was plastered everywhere Jinho went.

Chanyeol picked the place. It was a coffee shop far from downtown. That was fine with Jinho, though it meant he had to leave the house pretty early. The two of them agreed to meet early so that there were fewer people.

Jinho snuck out of the dorms so early that not even Yuto was awake yet. After a second thought, he texted their dorm group chat to let them know he was going out, lest they thought he was kidnapped.

Jinho was early, so he waited outside the shop. The pandemic had its upsides for celebrities, like being able to wear a mask everywhere and restaurants being less crowded. Jinho looked up from his phone to see a familiar silhouette approach. Even though he had a mask and a cap on, Jinho could recognise him from a mile away.

Was it Chanyeol? Or was it some fake Chanyeol, the one that Chanyeol put on for the public that only smiled and nodded when someone was talking? Jinho wasn’t sure which one he’d get, but he was hoping for the real one.

Chanyeol stopped just in front of Jinho. It felt like nothing had changed, when Chanyeol was standing in front of him like this, looking down at him. A dozen memories sprang into Jinho’s mind. They stared at each other for a moment, neither knowing what to say. Jinho searched his eyes for any emotion, but Chanyeol broke their brief eye contact to glance at the door.

“Let’s go in,” Jinho said, nodding at the door. Chanyeol followed him in.

They ordered their coffee from the older man at the counter, who didn’t seem to recognise either of them to their relief. The coffee shop was almost empty this early in the morning. They sat down near the back, with their two steaming cups of coffee. 

Jinho liked his coffee with a little milk and sugar, but not too much. His coffee habits haven’t changed much over the years. From what Jinho remembered, Chanyeol would put way too much sugar in his coffee. He remembered now, Chanyeol brewing instant coffee in Jinho’s shitty kettle in the early morning, hair unkempt and stifling a yawn. 

Jinho watched as Chanyeol dumped four packets of sugar into his coffee. Chanyeol stirred his coffee, looking contemplative but avoiding Jinho’s eyes.

Jinho broke the silence. He was the one who asked him out, after all. “It’s been a long time.”

“It has.” Chanyeol agreed, the first thing he’d said to Jinho all day. Jinho always preferred hearing him talk in person. His voice was much more tangible than over the phone. The same voice that Jinho fell asleep to when it was mid-afternoon somewhere in the world and way too late in Seoul.

Jinho might as well cut to the chase. He was never good at beating around the bush.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Jinho spoke softly, just loud enough so that the two of them could hear, even though everyone else in the coffee shop was too far to hear anything they were saying. Chanyeol looked up at him, though not meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

To Jinho’s surprise, Chanyeol smiled. At least, he could see his eyes crinkle like he was smiling while the rest of his face was covered with a mask. “It was so long ago, I would be crazy to still be mad over it.” Chanyeol could never stay mad.

“I didn’t want to leave things like that,” Jinho said, swallowing his nervousness. “I said things I didn’t mean.” They both did.

“So did I.” Chanyeol took off his cap, running a hand through his hair. It was his natural shade. Even after so long, Jinho felt his heart begin to stir awake at the small gesture. He willed his heart to stop racing but it didn’t help. “I’m sorry. I left so abruptly.”

Any hint of misguided resentment Jinho had for him had melted into regret and faded away long ago. “It’s okay, we were dumb kids.” Chanyeol nodded, eyes crinkling into a smile again. They were 28 now, older and wiser. Except Jinho wasn’t, because he never got over Chanyeol, but maybe Chanyeol had gotten smarter. 

“I suffered a lot too, Jinho.” Chanyeol stared into his coffee cup. “Whenever I thought of you, at practice or music shows or events, all I wanted to do was drop everything and run to you.” He laughed. “Well, I was never not thinking of you, then. I always wondered if I could see you in the crowd, if you were even watching.”

Jinho swallowed. “I was. I always was.” He still did, sometimes, in the waiting room if EXO happened to be performing at the same event. The image was funny, Jinho and the maknaes crowding around a TV to monitor EXO’s rehearsals.

“I know. You always had that look on your face when you’d come find me after my schedules.” Chanyeol took a sip of coffee.

“What look?” Jinho furrowed his brows. “Like an angry look?”

Chanyeol chuckled, shaking his head. “No, like a proud look, smiling and everything. Like you were saying, ‘That’s the man I love.’”

Jinho blushed. He was all too aware of how Chanyeol looked at him then, but Chanyeol never once mentioned how Jinho looked at him. And it was true. Every time he saw Chanyeol on stage, he couldn’t feel anything other than proud. 

“I would’ve been okay with you auditioning, you know.” Chanyeol blurted out. Jinho looked up. “You could’ve burned down a whole city and I would’ve still stayed with you.” 

“Then why--” Jinho inhaled shakily. “Why didn’t you come back?”

“I was standing in the way of your dream,” Chanyeol said softly. “In the moment, I was selfish. I would’ve pleaded with you to not go if I came back and I know you wouldn’t have gone.” He sighed. “I know that because if you asked me to stop being an idol, I would’ve quit without a second thought. I would’ve given it up all for you.”

Jinho bit his lip. “Thank goodness I didn’t, then.” He had thought about it before. Many times. Daydreams where Chanyeol quit the idol life and ran away with Jinho, living in a small house in the countryside of a foreign land where nobody knew them. But Jinho pulled back every time, because loving Chanyeol meant letting him live his dream.

“I also thought you hated me.” 

“Never,” Jinho whispered. He could never hate Chanyeol. “Maybe in the moment, but if you came back, I would’ve...” Jinho left the rest of the sentence unsaid. 

Chanyeol’s eyes darted downwards. “I know. I wanted to, so bad. But we had to let each other go if you wanted to live your dream.” He smiled sadly. Breaking up wasn’t easy for either of them, but their meeting was all about letting go.

“Here I am,” Jinho said, smiling back. “Living the dream.” Chanyeol laughed again.

Another silence settled between them, though it wasn’t uncomfortable like before. Jinho took off his mask gingerly to sip his coffee. Chanyeol studied him for a moment, before doing the same.

“I never congratulated you on your debut,” Chanyeol began carefully. Jinho looked up. Seeing Chanyeol in person and up close was all too real. He still had the same boyish cuteness to him, but the way he spoke and the way he folded his arms on the table was much more mature. He seemed much more easygoing as well, unlike the excitable teenager he used to be. “Congratulations.”

Jinho smiled. “Thank you.” Chanyeol congratulating him on his debut was a familiar scene, but coming from Chanyeol, it meant a lot. Jinho wondered if Chanyeol even remembered congratulating him on SM the Ballad. So much for ‘you only debut once.’

“How’s your group doing?” Chanyeol asked, probably more to be polite, but he seemed interested anyway. Jinho mentioned that Shinwon used to work at Boy Who Cried Wolf, which Chanyeol seemed surprised by. Then Jinho talked about some of the other projects they were working on, like Road to Kingdom, et cetera.

Chanyeol nodded along and chuckled when Jinho said something funny. It felt just as easy as back then, when Chanyeol would ask about his day and hang onto his every word. The only thing that was different was that Chanyeol would look right at him, eyes glittering. Now, Chanyeol couldn’t seem to look at Jinho in the eye. 

They made some more small talk, Chanyeol telling him about what Minseok and Kyungsoo were up to. Not much Minseok could get up to in the military, but Kyungsoo was kept busy with his dramas. This meeting was already going better than Jinho expected. He mainly expected to see Chanyeol, apologise and run, but now they’d even slid into casual talk. Then they fell into a short pause again, sipping their lukewarm coffees. 

One Sunday morning that Jinho couldn’t remember the year of, Chanyeol had offered Jinho a taste of his coffee and it was so sweet that Jinho couldn’t even taste the coffee. When Chanyeol had tried Jinho’s coffee in return, he’d complained about it being way too bitter. He would complain about it too when they kissed after, but it hadn’t stopped him from stealing more kisses from Jinho. 

Jinho wondered if Chanyeol stole coffee tinged kisses from someone else now.

“Are—” Jinho began, then changed his mind in a moment of panic. It was far too personal to ask. It was far too raw. Now Jinho wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know the answer. Maybe he was still clinging onto that intangible “someday,” hoping that today would be that someday. Chanyeol raised an eyebrow at him, looking amused as he stirred his coffee.

“What is it?” Chanyeol took another sip of coffee. Jinho felt his cheeks redden from embarrassment. But the two of them had eased into casual conversation, so it was probably okay, right?

“Are you seeing anyone?” Jinho was almost whispering, his heart in his throat. What if he was? Jinho didn’t want to think about that. He cleared his throat. “You don’t have to answer.” Jinho rushed to add.

Chanyeol laughed. He had the same laugh, the one that turned Jinho’s insides into butterflies. How? How did Chanyeol still have a hold over him after so many years? “No, I’m not.” Chanyeol cupped his hand around his coffee cup. He didn’t sound like he was lying. “I barely have time for myself.” 

Jinho felt relieved that Chanyeol wasn’t offended. But his answer stirred up a whole flurry of new thoughts. Jinho wanted to beat the thoughts out of his head. No, Chanyeol wasn’t going to sweep him away like a fairytale. Like he said, Chanyeol didn’t have the time for romance. Yet Jinho felt a glimmer of hope.

“Are you?” Chanyeol asked, both hands holding the coffee cup tight. Jinho felt himself blush as he shook his head truthfully. Chanyeol seemed to relax, just a bit, once Jinho answered. Jinho didn’t even try to date ever since they broke up. He liked to think that it was because he was too busy, but whenever he had to turn down the people who asked him out, Jinho wasn’t thinking about being too busy to date. Jinho glanced up at Chanyeol.

They spent a little more time on small talk until their coffees were both long gone. Nobody was as easy to talk to as Chanyeol. Jinho gave him his phone number and the two of them agreed to meet again before Jinho had to enlist. The meeting so far had exceeded Jinho’s expectations already, considering it didn’t end with one of them leaving early and awkward silences were kept to a minimum.

They were standing side by side outside the shop in a moment of silence. Neither of them moved nor looked at each other.

“I’m headed in the opposite direction,” Jinho said quietly, turning to face Chanyeol for a goodbye. Chanyeol was silent for another moment, before turning to Jinho, finally meeting Jinho’s gaze. 

The look in his eyes said more than words. It was the same tender expression Jinho used to see, like time hasn’t passed since the last time they saw each other. It was the same look Chanyeol had whenever he said “I love you,” whenever Chanyeol saw him for the first time in a month, whenever Chanyeol kissed him goodbye. That was the real Chanyeol, the one that was lurking beneath the surface of the face he put on for Jinho today.

“I couldn’t look at you,” Chanyeol said wearily. “I couldn’t look at you today because I knew I’d let myself fall back in love with you.” He chuckled to himself. “And I just did it.”

Jinho blinked, eyes wide with surprise. He’d had the impression that Chanyeol only agreed to come for Jinho’s sake. Maybe out of pity.

“What do you mean?” Jinho asked, his face warm under his mask. 

“I’m an idiot, that’s what I mean,” Chanyeol said, softly. “I compare everyone I’ve gone out with over the years to you and none of them come close. No matter how hard I try not to, I still think about you.” His habit of saying the mushiest things out of nowhere never died. Usually, Jinho would complain about the corniness, but hearing it again after so long, Jinho wanted to melt into a puddle of happiness.

“I do too,” Jinho whispered.

How could he not? Chanyeol’s face was everywhere in Seoul and his name was on everyone’s lips. Jinho felt his presence wherever he went. Chanyeol was in empty corners of music show waiting rooms, late night in the car ride home when Jinho had no shoulder to fall asleep on, lulls of silence in Jinho’s studio, and early mornings at hotel rooms in Japan. 

“I know,” Chanyeol grinned. Jinho didn’t have to see Chanyeol’s face under his mask to remember what his smirk looked like. He lowered his voice to a murmur. “The way you blushed and shook your head when I asked if you were seeing anyone gave it away.”

Jinho sighed. Despite his attempt to play it cool, Chanyeol could always see through him. Had either of them really changed since then? From the way Chanyeol still looked at him, still teased him, still liked him, maybe nothing has changed. It’s funny, really, how they managed to find each other again after five years.

“We can take it slow.” Chanyeol’s voice was gentle. “Let’s start over, Jinho.”

A swarm of questions filled Jinho’s mind. What about his impending enlistment? What about being idols and their busy lives? What about catching up on the past five years? But Jinho felt something grab his hand. He looked up.

Chanyeol was giving him that look again with sparkles in his eyes. The one that made Jinho feel like the world was spinning again after having stopped for five years. The one that said “I love you,” without him having to say it. 

“You’re thinking too much again.” Chanyeol squeezed his hand, a gesture that was all too familiar, yet reassuring all the same. Jinho missed this, missed being in love with Chanyeol. But he probably never stopped loving Chanyeol in the first place. 

Jinho smiled. Time and distance just couldn’t keep Chanyeol and Jinho apart. Jinho didn’t know how this was going to work, but since it was Chanyeol, Jinho just knew things would turn out okay. As far as giving things a second chance went, he had a pretty good track record going.

**Author's Note:**

> big thank you to shar for putting up with my chanyeol/jinho rambling and beta-ing this for me!!! a new day, a new marcie breakdown… thank you as well to tiff as well for putting up with my rarepair ranting and encouraging my bad behaviour, plus spending so much time helping me go over everything, i love you!
> 
> also thank you to tori for reading this through before i posted!
> 
> this happened because well. i was going through a SM the Ballad phase (which is what i call listening to hot times on repeat for 2 days) and rediscovered chanyeol and jinho’s friendship, which naturally led to reading the existing chanyeol/jinho fics and then me deciding to write my own because this tag doesnt have the canon compliant chanyeol/jinho angst i wanted
> 
> canonical/meta events (aka stuff that actually happened irl):  
> 2008- chanyeol and jinho join sm entertainment  
> 2010- jinho debuts in SM the Ballad  
> 2012- chanyeol debuts in EXO(-K)  
> 2014- chanyeols mom actually has an italian restaurant called vivapolo and chanjinho + kyungsoo actually went there in early 2014 and signed on the wall  
> 2015- last recorded canon interaction: chanyeol and jinho go on a trip to japan together in may 2015 and jinho leaves sm entertainment to become a vocal coach (this part might actually have happened late 2014?) and the vocal academy he taught at had ties to cube entertainment, leading jinho to audition and get into cube
> 
> and then nothing for 5 years!
> 
> please populate this tag again we (i) need it
> 
> leave a kudos if you liked this silly rarepair rambling!


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